Archive for the ‘confidence’ Category

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My Life List

April 13, 2010

1. Own a dog
2. Have a child
3. Stay CAVITY FREE until I’m at least 50
4. Learn to swim the Butterfly (effectively)
5. See a Dodgers/Giants Baseball game in LA
6. Go to a World Series game
7. Visit at least 15 states (California doesn’t count)
8. Complete the 30 day Shred 3 months in a row
9. Get my drivers license
10. Plant a tree
11. Make my own outfit
12. Pay off my student loans and credit card / be debt free
13. Get a More Than Satisfactory rating on my Eval at work
14. Read 10 books in one month (that I havent read before)
15. Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge
16. See NYC as a tourist
17. See San Francisco as a tourist
18. Learn to ride a bike well (this includes hills)
19. Own good knives
20. Own my own domain name
21. Be a published author
22. Reach 100 Beers at Barclays in the beer club
23. Share a Zachary’s Pizza with Jesse
24. Stop biting my nails long enough to get a Manicure
25. Meet 100 98* online friends in person
26. Get a tattoo
27. Have Christmas dinner at my house
28. Reconnect with an old fried Done while writing this list
29. Speak in public about something I am an expert in
30. Swim with dolphins
31. Go deep sea fishing where my grandfather did
32. Ice skate in Canada
33. Be an extra in a film or tv show
34. Own a home
35. Visit 3 European countries
36. See all 7 Wonders of the World
37. Explore Golden Gate Park with my Mom for her birthday
38. Send my parents some where amazing for their wedding anniversary
39. See myself in the newspaper
40. Cook a whole chicken
41. Hold / Pet / Feed a penguin
42. See a giraffe in the wild
43. Surf in Australia
44. Make a font out of my own handwriting
45. Give $1,000 to Charity
46. Have sex 31 times in a month and enjoy it all
47. Get a caricature of myself and a loved one
48. Road trip cross-country (touching 5 states at least) with my dad
49. Brew my own beer (no matter how badly it turns out)
50. Get a professional massage

51. Taste 100 different kinds of Fancy Cheese
52. Go Wine Tasting in California
53. Self publish a Doodle Book (does not count towards getting published)
54. Own an Adult Camera
55. Take photobooth pictures with my sister on the same day every year for 20 years
56. Complete at least 5 roadtrip in “Road Trip USA”
57. See 20 live shows in a year (not only music)
58. Be involved in some way in my best friends wedding
59. Own a restaurant/pub

I was inspired by Mighty Girl, Miss Grace and Super Jules who have been crossing things off their lists left and right. I’ve wanted to have a life list for a little over a year and it was finally time to write it.

So thats my list.

And now heres my life.

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*Miss Grace pointed that Blogher is coming in August and that I have also met NakedJen. I dont count Miss Grace as an Online Friend because I’ve hung out with her too much for it to make sense to. Or something.

updated 5.20.10 to include 51 – 59, crossed out completed.

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Girl Talk Thursday: Favorite Part of You

January 14, 2010

I bet you all expect my to say that my favorite body part is my boobs, don’t you?

You totally do.

And I do love them. A lot. Like. A LOT A LOT. Like, in college we had to do a presentation with a game or some shit and we made a game about favorite body parts I guess ( I really cannot remember the context of this thing…) and I was all MY FAVORITE IS MY BOOBS and drew it on a huge chalk board in front of lots of people.

BALLSY.

Anyway,  normally I would say it was my tittys, but I think today I am going in a different direction this time.

I’m going in the “the one thing I have that most people don’t and thats why I love it” direction.

I have a large Globular Processes. Some people call it a Intermaxillary segment. A lot of people call it that divit above your mouth and under your nose. And mine is really pretty big.

I guess I was just born that way? It never really bothered me until my dad pointed it out 5 or so years ago, then I was devistated. I mess with it, folding the skin together, I push it flat (as much as I can) to try and see what I would look if it were smaller. I hated it for a long while.

Then I decided that I wasn’t going to hate it anymore, I was going to embrace it. To embrace the weird thing that most people didn’t have that made my face interesting.

Yes, it sticks out a lot. I can see it when I look down my nose, even. If I try real hard and stick it out a little, at least.

But I’ve come to cherish it and enjoy it.

‘Cause its part of me. And I love it.

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#MyCharmingCoworkers and Self Worth

January 7, 2010

I have never felt so badly about myself as I do in this job.

It’s not the job, though. I’m good at what I do, despite my mild slacking off. I get what I need to get completed done in a timely and effective manner. I get told how good I am at things and I enjoy most of what I do.

What makes me feel so god damn shitty about myself is the people. My Charming Coworkers, two of them specifically.

It’s like being in high school all over again. I was never the most popular kid, and I was weird so I understood that,  but I had friends I cared about who in turn cared about me. Then there were the aloof “better than you” kids who hung out at the fringe. They were friends with my friends but I was never good enough so they tolerated me, and it showed.

I was never invited to hang out, never invited to join then. I was ignored and talked about. I was belittled and teased. And my friends allowed it because they were also friends with these “cool” kids.

The same thing happens daily here.

My Charming Coworker and her friend The Preggo will go into the office that WorkNate and MarioLuigi (we’ll call him, thank you twitter) share, which is directly across from mine, and stay there for 20 minutes, talking loudly with M.L. about everything and nothing, planning trips and outings together. (In his defense, while WorkNate is included in these conversations, I have never considered him to be one of #MyCharmingCoworkers, because he really is a charming and lovable stoner goof.)

Anyway, they sit in there for long periods of time, speaking loudly in a manner that (though it may just be my assumption) indicates they are glad I can hear it, and show off how “cool” they are.

And I get flashbacks to not being good enough. The exclusion and the obvious denial of acceptance.

I keep telling myself that its ok, because I don’t even like these women. It’s ok because you are better than this, and you’re better than them. You have dealt with small, petty people before – people who revel in making you feel little and insignificant; people who make you feel like you’re worthless; people who make you question your value. You can  do this.

I know I can, logically, but living it is something else.

I’ve created this mild bubble around myself – something to help me block out the Charming Coworkers of the world, not just these two but all of them, and that bubble is usually pretty strong.

But here, at this desk, in this office, it’s pretty useless.

I don’t really do resolutions for the new year. Last year and the year before I told myself I would be braver, and I was. If it’s a resolution, I neglect it then feel badly and the last thing I need is more guilt.

But this year, I’m telling myself – promising myself – that I won’t let them get to me as much this year. I won’t let their bad behavior make me feel poorly about myself. I won’t let their shitty demeanor and high school bullshit destroy my self-worth and self-esteem any more.

I’m too good for that, and honestly?

They aren’t worth it.

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Glamor

August 28, 2009

Secret Agent Mama put forth the question: What makes you feel glamorous?

(I asked boyfriend and he replied “David Bowie”. Not so helpful today.)

It took me a while to come up with something. Being glamorous and feeling glamorous don’t always go hand in hand, I guess. There are times when Ive been told I look amazing, but don’t feel it, just as there have been times that I feel amazing but have not been told.

I felt very glamorous for my Prom. My mom and I made my dress (black dress, two pieces: bodice top with a white fold over- strapless, with a row of tiny handmade silk buttons all the way down the back over a tulip skirt), my dad helped me find the shoes – which i still have thank you – at Ross (they were 7$): stilettos with an ankle strap that hooked on the side with a tuxedo bow tie. My cousin, a hair stylist, did my hair and make up.  I borrow my mothers gorgeous crystal necklace, earrings and bracelet that had belonged to her grandmother.  I went stag but I felt beautiful. My mother glowed and my dad teared up.

For graduation, the girls were forced to wear horrible yellow robes and caps (the boys in purple). We walked and sat. And sat. And sat. Then we walked to the stage and called names. Walking across that stage I felt glamorous. It wasn’t the eyes on me, or the fact that I looked great (because honestly, I didn’t and no one could have), but it was the pride I felt in graduation, the glow I saw on my family’s faces, that made me feel so utterly special.

While we were still in the JUST CASUALLY DATING stage, Jesse and I had our one year Friendiverssary (which is a story for another time). I was meeting him at his house (roughly 5 blocks or so from my own). It was spring in Santa Cruz, so it was lovely. I picked a dress I had worn a dozen times before – a shorter black dress, thin straps, easy and simple but in my opinion wonderful) and slipped on a pair of flats. I left my curls down rather that shoving them up and grabbed a cardigan and ran over to his house. I hadn’t planned to wow, but the looks I got from him all day made me feel beautiful, glamorous, perfect.

When Jesse and I climb into bed, me usually in some tank top and shorts or fleece ‘jama pants, we usually chat for a while before sleep, no matter how late it is. We laugh and smile and hold hands and touch faces and revel in being together. I feel completely at ease, completely myself and relaxed and content. And I feel beautiful.

I feel glamorous when I have the most confidence, when I am most happy with myself. Sometimes it takes other people telling me I’m beautiful or that I make them smile; sometimes its me realizing how much I like who I am as a person. And when I feel glamorous, I shine.

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