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I have been very busy lately.
I say this not as an excuse, but as an explanation.
I have a hundred things to talk about, to share; thousands of words to rush out to explain the wonderful things I’ve been doing – the things off my life list, the exploits of my hobo and his lady friend, the party with the guy in the dress, crafts. I want to explain how crappy work is being, and how good at the same time. I want to tell you about the thing my sister is doing, and the way the ManBear looks at me. I want to tell you how I feel fat and beautiful and tired and clever. I want to tell you how much I love my life, my man, my cat, my friends, the world.
Instead, for now, for this brief moment i have to breathe and collect, I’ll tell you about all the things I want to tell you about.
Life is really, really good.
I’m doing an actual Follow Friday post because I feel like it.
These are women I love and think you should follow.
Ive limited myself to five because, lets be honest, I love me some ladies. LALOTS. These are women I feel more connected to than most, women I consider friends/ho-mances/lovers/boobie buddies. You’d like them. AND NOW I WILL TELL YOU WHY. In NO particular order.
Also, this is by NO MEANS a complete list. If you aren’t on it, its not cause I dont love you. Its probably more likely that I just am lame and didnt think of you at the moment I wrote this. Sorry. I STILL LOVE YOU PLEASE DONT HATE ME KISSES KISSES?!
1. Miss Grace
Jenny is without a doubt one of the funniest ladies Ive ever met. And I do mean MET. Sometimes when we take our lunch walks and shes all OH MY GOSH YOU ARE SO SLOW it is only because I am laughing so hard. SO STOP SHOUTING YOU JERK. also her son is one of the cutest things ever. Like really. He could win contests or be in magazines or something. AND she is a fantastic writer. A personal writer. I can hear her when she writes. I would totally get in a fight to defend her. Not her honor though. Cause thats not my fight. But i would totally cut a ho in a bar fight. if id had a drink. And she didnt want to bother. Or care. Cause she might not.
AND! She has truly encouraged me in bloggy ways. In sassy, DONT BE A DUMBASS NO ONE HAS A LOT OF READERS WHEN THEY START OUT AND IF YOU DONT GO TO BLOGHER I WILL CALL YOU A PUSSY. I WONT CARE BUT I WILL TOTALLY CALL YOU OUT ON IT kind of ways. Yes.
2. Miss Miss
Oh Miss Miss. Known to most people as “Just One Miss” i have coined the new name and demanded friendship. In a shy demand-y kind of way. Miss Miss was one of the first people I ever followed on Tumblr and she is one of the most welcoming and wonderful people I could have hoped to have found. Shes funny and silly and despite her love of the dodgers I would totally make out with her.
3. Mommy Geeks!
Caitlin is quickly becoming one of my go-to ladies. She is open and accepting and non-judgmental but still snarky enough to match my need for bitching. Shes a rockin’ mom and an awesome geek (check out Rent a Geek) and website-er-er. And so cute!
PLUS! We are road-tripping to NY for Blogher in august! EEE!
4. GrumbleGirl - even though i usually spell it GrumblrGirl for some reason. GG, or TT as I often call her, is one of those ladies you/I aspire to be. She is incredibly funny and bright and makes me smile. Id known her for a day and I had already told her “I think I love you”. We instantly clicked. Plus her children are gorgeous and shes an amazing writer and loves shoes and helps me stay calm and and and!
You will love her I promise.
5. Meghan. Meghan. My ho-mance. My bestie. My lady-friend boobie-wife. Hater of those I hate. Lover of those I love. Mother of Desmond the Big Fat Black Cat. Meghs. Meggy MacFeggy. Meghan is braver than I will ever be and smart. Like wicked smart. Shes also very modest. She will move mountains and make these huge life-altering changes and not tell you until you are like MEGHAN OH MY GOD WHAT YOU JUST DID and she’ll be like YEAH OK WHATEVER LETS GO MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE. She tells you what she thinks and means and isnt shy about it. She has my back more than anyone else I know. And I will defend her and bitch with her to the best of my abilities for the rest of my life.
Also she got me this awesome best friends matching smiley-face cupcakes necklace that is SO TOTALLY AWESOME AND NERDY AND HO-MANTIC AND I LOVE IT.
and those are 5 random awesome ladies that i love and you will too.
I am seriously about to cry.
It started out pretty ok:
@bibliosaurus: When you draw brussel sprouts, they look like VAGINAS. about 9 hours ago
Then rapidly went down hill.
(read from the bottom up)
so, yesterday I:
1. met with my boss (6 hours late (thanks to him (douche.))
2. did NOT recieve the netflix I was supposed to get MONDAY (Season One, Disc One of THE WEST WING (which is an utterly amazing show holy crap))
3. Came home to a cat whose asshole was CAKED SHUT with POOP. Because he had gotten into the treats, eaten too many, and got diareah. So I got to try and pull out / cut out as much as I could.
4. BATHED my cat after he would NOT let me get all the poop off his ass. That was fun.
5. Cleaned up the trail of poops all around the house when he scooted his ass around. Assface.
And its only 7 pm.
Her: Please call at 10:30pm prompt with emergency?
Her: I’m hiding in the E bathroom on longest pee of my life.
Me: haha! poor [lady]! that bad?
Her: Entire night is like being on a date with a ADD-plagued 6yo. One who is being charged and sent to the brigg by USMC. Fucksakes.
Me: eeeee… at least its almost movie time!
Me: Ive set an alarm to call. Vomit! I will say.
I called on schedule. Her response:
“I finished the last five minutes at the back of the theater so he wouldn’t see me.”
I have never felt so badly about myself as I do in this job.
It’s not the job, though. I’m good at what I do, despite my mild slacking off. I get what I need to get completed done in a timely and effective manner. I get told how good I am at things and I enjoy most of what I do.
What makes me feel so god damn shitty about myself is the people. My Charming Coworkers, two of them specifically.
It’s like being in high school all over again. I was never the most popular kid, and I was weird so I understood that, but I had friends I cared about who in turn cared about me. Then there were the aloof “better than you” kids who hung out at the fringe. They were friends with my friends but I was never good enough so they tolerated me, and it showed.
I was never invited to hang out, never invited to join then. I was ignored and talked about. I was belittled and teased. And my friends allowed it because they were also friends with these “cool” kids.
The same thing happens daily here.
My Charming Coworker and her friend The Preggo will go into the office that WorkNate and MarioLuigi (we’ll call him, thank you twitter) share, which is directly across from mine, and stay there for 20 minutes, talking loudly with M.L. about everything and nothing, planning trips and outings together. (In his defense, while WorkNate is included in these conversations, I have never considered him to be one of #MyCharmingCoworkers, because he really is a charming and lovable stoner goof.)
Anyway, they sit in there for long periods of time, speaking loudly in a manner that (though it may just be my assumption) indicates they are glad I can hear it, and show off how “cool” they are.
And I get flashbacks to not being good enough. The exclusion and the obvious denial of acceptance.
I keep telling myself that its ok, because I don’t even like these women. It’s ok because you are better than this, and you’re better than them. You have dealt with small, petty people before – people who revel in making you feel little and insignificant; people who make you feel like you’re worthless; people who make you question your value. You can do this.
I know I can, logically, but living it is something else.
I’ve created this mild bubble around myself – something to help me block out the Charming Coworkers of the world, not just these two but all of them, and that bubble is usually pretty strong.
But here, at this desk, in this office, it’s pretty useless.
I don’t really do resolutions for the new year. Last year and the year before I told myself I would be braver, and I was. If it’s a resolution, I neglect it then feel badly and the last thing I need is more guilt.
But this year, I’m telling myself – promising myself – that I won’t let them get to me as much this year. I won’t let their bad behavior make me feel poorly about myself. I won’t let their shitty demeanor and high school bullshit destroy my self-worth and self-esteem any more.
I’m too good for that, and honestly?
They aren’t worth it.
In a BAD way.
Do you all remember HAIR WRAPPING?
you know, embroidery floss wrapper around a chunk of your hair with maybe a bead and several different colors and then it would start to smell funny cause you couldn’t wash it and maybe the end would come out a little and your mom would yell at you and be all IF YOU DON’T TAKE THAT OUT SOON WE’RE GOING TO HAVE TO CUT IT OUT but you didn’t want to because it was SOOO COOOOOL and all the girls at school had them?
And then KLUTZ put out the HAIR WRAPPING KIT and you just HAD to have it for your birthday / Christmas / May Day / Batmitzvah / Canadian thanksgiving / (C)Hanukkah present and then you tried to do it yourself since your mom wouldn’t help you and you dad, lets me honest, would have done it terribly, and you got about 12 stitches in and your head started to hurt and your arms got tired so you stopped and it looked ridiculous but you wouldn’t admit it cause hair wraps were SOOOOOO COOOOOOOL?
And remember when you realized that hair wrapping wasn’t really SOOOO COOOOOL and you were like EFF THIS NOISE and used all the embroidery floss for Friendship Bracelets instead but then that weird homeschool kid transferred to your school and he had like TEN hair wraps and smelled slightly of garlic and oranges but not in a good tasty way more like in a gross take a shower just cause you’re homeschooled doesn’t mean you can be dirty kind of way and then you REALLY knew hair wrapping was over?
Well apparently, not EVERYONE got that memo.
‘Cause guess what i saw today.
Can you guess?
No really. Guess.
If you’re not even going to try I’m going to stop right here.
MAN HAIR WRAPPING
ON A MAN
IN HIS HAIR
(not actual photo)(duh)
And the Baby Jesus cried.