In which the ex I am over manages to affect my life still

me: martin unblocked me?
Jesse: ha
me: i hate that this is like AN EVENT
stupid fuckin martin fuckin up my life
the only good thing he ever gave me was you
Jesse: <3
me: sorry
i hate that he still makes me angry
:(

——————–

My ex is a douche. Not in the way that most peoples ex are douches – they’re your exes and that’s just what they are. No, mine is a douche in that general what the hell you’re kind of a douche way. He would be even if he wasn’t my ex. Among the douchey things he has done: dumping me 4 time (my fault kind of for going back but STILL); dating me until he was recovered enough after surgery to get along without me; not wanting to spend more than 1 day a week with his girlfriend; paying less rent than everyone else in his house despite having the master bedroom; not standing up for his girlfriend to his parents; blocking his ex girlfriend on facebook (no really!); etc.

I could go on but i think you get the point. Plus we work together. To stop talking to someone you have to work in close proximity to, and with whom you share the majority of your friends, is a little ridiculous. Not only are you making it awkward for me, you make it awkward for all your friends and coworkers. The fall out is vast, but its OF COURSE all my fault. Sorry guys. My fault that martin is making everyone uncomfortable for completely ignoring me here at work / at the bar / at your birthday party.

So now i have this awesome guy – and ladies I mean AWESOME – and despite the fact that I’m romantically completely over martin, he still does these little fucking things that bother the shit out of me and can ruin my day. or, in this case, undoes them. I have been to therapy because of him, cried more nights than i want to admit, and have lost friends because of him. granted I have gained some amazing things (Jesse, Nate – and subsequently Ben, Meghan, a deeper and better sense of who i am and what i want) but he has caused a lot of shit in my life and the anger that created doesn’t want to go away.

The problem is i don’t know how to let that anger go. Time? Being angry about something else? Im not generally an angry person for more than 10 minutes at a time, but with this I cant seem to stop which makes me more angry. Vicious cycle much? I know it needs to stop being a factor in my life, needs to stop because I cant keep having my stomach drop out and I cant keep puking from stress and making the amazing man who loves me and the wonderful people ive met listen to how much he bothers me. its unfair to them and to me, and a waste of energy and time.

So operation “fuck that guy hes not worth the time and energy spent on being angry” (aka “operation meh”) is going into effect. No more wasted time, no more wasted energy; no tears of frustration and teeth clenched to keep quiet; no more brooding or complaining. Im putting him out of the realm of things that matter.

I cant promise this will be 100% successful, but can I at least have points for trying?