Alternate title: endless ramblings discussing my drunkenness last night.
This past week has brought about quite a few lightbulb moments for friends of mine.
Erica‘s is one of the biggest, in my opinion, and I’m naturally quite proud of her. (Im just going to call her Penney from now on since thats what I call her and I keep confusing myself trying to call her Erica in this post. MY LIFE IS SO HARD)
So to celebrate, we got shit-faced in the middle of the afternoon.
You know, because we’re adults.
And thats what adults do.
We met at The 515 downtown for cocktails and snackies.
Given the fact that we hadn’t seen each other in a while it was pretty exciting. Don’t judge us.
*I would like to note at this time, that I am not a tequila drinker. At all. It either makes me very very angry/honest or very very bitchy/honest. Yesterday was no different. Sorry Mom.
I sat down just as the dick-waiter (hes not an ACTUAL penis, just a dick-ish person) asked if we were ready to order.
No, no I think we need a LITTLE more time THANK YOU I HAVE JUST SAT DOWN I STILL HAVE ONE ARM IN THE SLEEVE OF MY JACKET FOR CHRIST SAKE
Enter the drink list.
A FOUR PAGE list of fancy drinks, wine, beers in the bottle and on tap, champagne cocktails and more.
I dont like wine.
I dont like beer.
I dont want a champagne cocktail. (DONT FUCK WITH MY BUBBLES AND MAKE THEM FRUITY THANK YOU I LIKE THEM DRY)
Mixed drinks it is!
Then Penney looks casually over and says “…so the happy hours drinks are…”
She is trying to get me in trouble, i can just tell.
We both settled on The 515 Signature.
Like 10 kinds of tequila*, a sugar rim and some other stuff.
HOLY SHIT TASTY.
and STRONG. so so strong.
we ordered a few appetizers (a lambjoun (grilled lamb and feta on flat bread – YUM), some sweet potato FRITES (why do you have to be so fancy 515!?)) too and nom-ed down.
I was VERY GLAD this morning to have had the forethought to say YES to Penneys suggestion of snackies.
I often say “Give me vodka. I can take it like a champ!” The same cannot be said for tequila, as I’ve stated.
Instead of anger, this time, I became very bitchy. Well snarky. Lets not exaggerate my meanness, shall we?
And Penney and I had an amazing conversation about serial killer babies, ex-boyfriends, current boyfriends, housing changes, kittens and shotgun weddings.
And we were each only one drink in.
Peniswaiter: Do you want another?
Peniswaiter: and you?
Me: uhh… well…..
Me: OK I GUESS SO THERE IS SO MUCH PRESSURE
Penney: — it!
I should have said no.
The man next to us politely asked his waiter if he could move.
He took the farthest seat away.
Penney: I have never felt SO GUILTY.
Me: You are clearly not Jew-y enough.
Penney: NEITHER ARE YOU
The first three drinks (My first and Penney’s two) were brought out in what Penney calls BUCKETS. My second drink is what I can only kindly call a bathtub.
I still dont understand why they were different, but Penney told me that places run out of buckets a lot so WHATEVER, i thought, and drank.
A little later we stumbled home where out awesome conversation continued, incorporating ho-abortion, swearing in front of babies, exes, exes having ho-abortions as the reason for their shotgun weddings, how im not enough of a jew, housemates, and sex.
We arrived at her house (a six block walk) just after I had called the Manbear to PLEASE COME GET ME IM DRUNK OK THANK YOU I LOVE YOU BYE.
I may have done the following things: flopped on her couch, admired her fancy clean carpet, flopped on her bed, flopped on her floor, tried to open the screen door for the Manbear despite it being latched shut, bitten her cat, hit her cat with a cat toy while trying to play, flopped on the Manbear, rolled around on the floor, demanded a dinner of CRACKERS when we got home, rejected the idea of a real meal, talked about having to pee (a lot).
At no point did I feel embarrassed, i would like to point out. Because Penney and the Manbear are people I feel 100% ok doing stupid things like this around. ITS CALLED FRIENDSHIP OK.
When we got home I flopped on the floor, cuddled the ‘bod (aka CLUNG DESPERATELY TO MY CAT AS HE TRIED TO GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME), rolled around on the carpet, drunkenly responded to my dads text about baseball with an IM DRUNK comment, had the following text conversation with Penney:
P: I thought I was sober but I an clearly still drunk. Love it!
Me: Meee tooo! trying to teach jesse to swim without water. ITS HARD TO DO
P: Lol you are amazing
P:I just used the word concurrently in a text. I may have even used it properly. Weird.
Yes. I tried to teach Manbear to swim.
It really was pretty hard because I kept feeling like I was going to fall over while I was swimming.
Then I fell asleep.
It was about 9pm.
Me: May or may not have passed out at 9.30 last night without eating
P: Haha! i was out at 10.30. I had cookies?
Me: Never got my crackers!
What Im trying to say is – you TOTALLY WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME.
And I want crackers.
*probably only three but i cant find a drink menu online to save my life!