I have never felt so badly about myself as I do in this job.
It’s not the job, though. I’m good at what I do, despite my mild slacking off. I get what I need to get completed done in a timely and effective manner. I get told how good I am at things and I enjoy most of what I do.
What makes me feel so god damn shitty about myself is the people. My Charming Coworkers, two of them specifically.
It’s like being in high school all over again. I was never the most popular kid, and I was weird so I understood that, but I had friends I cared about who in turn cared about me. Then there were the aloof “better than you” kids who hung out at the fringe. They were friends with my friends but I was never good enough so they tolerated me, and it showed.
I was never invited to hang out, never invited to join then. I was ignored and talked about. I was belittled and teased. And my friends allowed it because they were also friends with these “cool” kids.
The same thing happens daily here.
My Charming Coworker and her friend The Preggo will go into the office that WorkNate and MarioLuigi (we’ll call him, thank you twitter) share, which is directly across from mine, and stay there for 20 minutes, talking loudly with M.L. about everything and nothing, planning trips and outings together. (In his defense, while WorkNate is included in these conversations, I have never considered him to be one of #MyCharmingCoworkers, because he really is a charming and lovable stoner goof.)
Anyway, they sit in there for long periods of time, speaking loudly in a manner that (though it may just be my assumption) indicates they are glad I can hear it, and show off how “cool” they are.
And I get flashbacks to not being good enough. The exclusion and the obvious denial of acceptance.
I keep telling myself that its ok, because I don’t even like these women. It’s ok because you are better than this, and you’re better than them. You have dealt with small, petty people before – people who revel in making you feel little and insignificant; people who make you feel like you’re worthless; people who make you question your value. You can do this.
I know I can, logically, but living it is something else.
I’ve created this mild bubble around myself – something to help me block out the Charming Coworkers of the world, not just these two but all of them, and that bubble is usually pretty strong.
But here, at this desk, in this office, it’s pretty useless.
I don’t really do resolutions for the new year. Last year and the year before I told myself I would be braver, and I was. If it’s a resolution, I neglect it then feel badly and the last thing I need is more guilt.
But this year, I’m telling myself – promising myself – that I won’t let them get to me as much this year. I won’t let their bad behavior make me feel poorly about myself. I won’t let their shitty demeanor and high school bullshit destroy my self-worth and self-esteem any more.
I’m too good for that, and honestly?
They aren’t worth it.