Trying to explain Nate, My Hobo, My Brother.

Nate: dear Kat

I’m seriously considering joining the French foreign legion

What are your thoughts?

Me: you don’t speak French

—

Nate is a boy. In every sense of the world, Nate is a boy. At 22 he hasn’t grown past the age of 13 mentally. Not in the idiot sense, because somehow Nate is really smart. But no, Nate is 13, still trying to look up skirts and down shirts, valiantly struggling to find a “centering experience” and his drive. He has been homeless and broke, worked as a photographer, a ski-lift operator, an escort. He choreographs and costumes elaborate dance routines with his best friends. He violently rejects the Mormonism his family (tried) to raise him in. He tries to hide the white-knight complex he devotes solely to people he decides are worth loving, but doesn’t always succeed.

Luckily for me, I’m one of those people. The day I realized that’s what he was doing, my heart was happy because I knew that no matter what happened, I would have Nate forever.

—

Our relationship is one of the weirder ones I’ve had in my life. The quick and dirty of it is that I met him at a party and he was my rebound the evolved into something all the more odd due to his prior rebound status. Nate and I used each other physically and emotionally and we both knew it.

I got over the ex, and Nate moved on as well. And lost his housing. And moved in with me. My Hobo. The Hobo of My Heart.

Around the same time, and partially because I felt Nate having a place to live was more important that my housemates xenophobia being respected, I had a huge falling out with my best friend from college. She refused to acknowledge her depression had anything to do with the fact that we were spending less time together (read: ANY), and I was less than delicate. (It didn’t / doesn’t help that she works for my ex either.) So I looked for places to live while Nate looked for places to work.

And I found an apartment with a housemate ok with the fact that I had a hobo coming with me.

And I started dating the ManBear and Nate continued dating an odd collection of women with dreadlocks and lesbians, of co-op living hippies and bitch-faced blondes.

And we went out to the bars. And we drank and we laughed. And Nate took pictures, and I bought his alcohol and food. And he got a job and brought home pie, and discovered the wonders of Bourbon. And I had a fight over nothing with the ManBear and drunkenly cried at the bar on a Tuesday, and went to the bathroom. And the bartender asked Nate if his sister was ok.

And then I had a brother.

And people tell us how much we look alike (we don’t) and how they can tell we are great friends (we are). They don’t flinch when I mention I grew up in Oakland minutes after Nate finishes stories about growing up in Utah’s winter. They never make the connection.

And we grin at each other, sharing in our private joke, and continue on our way.

—

Oh his birthday, I baked him a Chocolate Bourbon Cake, drenched in bourbon glaze. He ate almost half of it and was tanked.

“I didn’t realize you meant it had that much bourbon in it.”

—

Some people who know us think our relationship now is creepy. “You’ve slept together and now you’re siblings?”

But it’s different than that. The important points of our relationship aren’t the sex. Our relationship is about being there for each other, and we are. I go to him with problems as often as I go to the ManBear or to Meghan or my actual sister. He comes to me more than his family.

We are a little, odd, incestuous family of our own.

—

I had a dream, months ago. Before Nate moved back to Utah, dated a girl he found on craigslist, and launched a career-based website.  Before he decided he needed a centering experience in his life and that the best option was the French Foreign Legion.

I dreamed that Nate was in my wedding, years from now. He was one of my bridesmaids, dressed in a lovely gown, tucked at the end of the line. He picked it out himself.

Girl Talk Thursday: VICES

When I think of vices, i think of SINS. It’s the Renaissance Faire in me.

The Seven Deadly Sins.

The Capitol Vices and the Cardinal Sins.

Mortal Sins.

The sins that kill the soul of man and damn him to Hell.

You know, if you believe in that kind of thing.

As a history and literature nerd, Ive studied them far too much for my liking, especially because LEARNING out them leads to THINKING about them, which in turn leads to COMPARING YOURSELF to each and every single sin.

Over and over.

Thinking about all the bad, wrong, evil things youve done in your life.

In Catholicism, there are virtues that correlate directly to the vices. Lust and Gluttony, Greed and Sloth are balanced by chastity and moderation, charity and diligence. Wrath, envy and pride have patience, kindness and humility.

Dante applies the levels of hell to which you will be damned in his Inferno. Im a terribly lit nerd because I have never read this, but ive read MORE than enough articles to remember that Dante’s hell is not a place anyone wants to go.

And so I think about my vices, my sins. And my virtues.

I envy people who have work they love and are able to get by on that. I am jealous of their ability to live off their joy, rather than having to simply find time to do what they love. The virtue that matches is kindness. I hope that I am able to balance the envy, the jealousy I feel towards people with the kindness I am able to share with others.

Sometimes I am gluttonous. I over-indulge. I ate almost half a pie the other night then hid it, so I wouldnt have to share with my housemate. I cant explain it, but goddamnit that pie is mine and I’ll eat however much of it i want! (Plus I can blame it on PMS and be done with it). Opposite of gluttony is moderation or temperance – the ability to control your natural appetites past what is good for you. For example, I did not eat the WHOLE pie because I believe in moderation. (That counts right?)

Greed and Charity. I want stuff. I have stuff. Too much stuff. So some stuff I give away. Stuff like shoes and pants and furniture and money. Cause I dont really need that much stuff.

Pride. No one likes to admit they’re prideful, let’s be honest. But sometimes, you cant help but crow about yourself. I take great pride in certain things about myself – MY BOOBS FOR INSTANCE. I love my boobs. Love them. They one of my favorite parts of me and that insane pride helps me be myself more than I normally am. Opposite pride is humility, the humbling of self. I don’t know if i have humility to be completely honest with you. I try not to be too prideful, to toot my own horn (heehee! horn tooting.) but at the same time I dont want to diminish what I feel is my self-worth. Im proud of who I am without be overly prideful. I hope.

Ah yes. WRATH. Anger. Direct opposite of Patience. I have both at varying times. I am quick to snap but just as quick to calm. Thats all Im willing to say about that at the moment. Trying to understand my anger about things is harder than Id like to look into.

Sloth. Laziness. Apathy. Perhaps the second favorite of my vices. I love lazy afternoons. I am not apathetic, I just believe in being able to take time for myself and not do anything. However, I do believe in Diligence too. When something needs to get done, I’ll do it. My deadline is the deadline. I may not love it, but I will do it because it needs to be done. (I still love my laziness though.)

And last but definitely not least, Lust. Lustful luscious lust. I am full of lust. I will not lie and say Im not. I have no sense of decorum or moderation when it comes to this emotion. This sin. this vice. It is my most obvious and accepted vice. And yet, I feel no shame for this, largely because the lust I feel isnt over the top. Its discriminating. VERY discriminating. And I own it. As for chastity? I feel, personally, that it’s a little old-fashioned. HOWEVER, the idea of chastity comes from the idea of being pure. So I’ll take it as not being a cheater-cheater pumpkin eater. Which Im not. So there. But lustful? Yeah, Ive got that one bad.

what are your vices and sins? find more at Girl Talk Thursday!